Festivals ban AI-made music
SATIRE: Festivals ban AI-made music — accidentally eliminate half their line-ups.
A group of completely fictional European festivals has announced that it will no longer book artists who create music using AI platforms such as Suno, insisting that future performers must prove they can “actually play an instrument”.
The policy, launched under the slogan Real Musicians Only, was intended to defend traditional musicianship.
It lasted about 40 minutes before organisers realised they had a problem.
“We just want real musicians on our stages,” said Bjørn Chordhammer, fictional booker at the equally fictional No Laptops Allowed Festival.
“People who can actually play something. Guitar, piano, drums, whatever. We thought it was simple.”
Then someone asked about DJs.
“At first we laughed,” Chordhammer said. “Then we looked at our line-up and realised most of our biggest acts were electronic. At that point the room became less philosophical and much more financial.”
Festival programmers were suddenly forced to decide whether CDJs, laptops, samplers, drum machines and synthesisers count as instruments.
One fictional promoter argued that they clearly do.
Another replied that if pressing buttons qualifies, “we may have to put the lighting technician on the main stage”.
The policy became even more complicated when organisers decided that owning an instrument was not enough — artists had to prove they could actually play it.
Several guitar bands reportedly became nervous.
One fictional guitarist complained that he had built a 15-year career on three chords and did not appreciate the sudden introduction of “quality control”.
By the afternoon, turntables, CDJs, drum machines, samplers and laptops had all been added to the approved instrument list.
Then someone asked whether an AI prompt could also be considered an instrument.
The meeting was adjourned.
Chordhammer later admitted that No Laptops Allowed Festival briefly considered changing its name to No Laptops Allowed Except For Headliners Festival.
“The problem,” he said, “is that it doesn’t fit on the wristband.”
The boycott has now reportedly been suspended while organisers work out what a musician actually is.
Disclaimer: This article is entirely fictional satire. Bjørn Chordhammer, No Laptops Allowed Festival, the boycott, quotes and events described above are all invented.