photo_cameraComic strip
Satire
Trump and Live Nation strike deal to launch “Trump’s Nation”
SATIRE — THIS IS NOT A REAL NEWS STORY! Everything below is invented for entertainment. No such deal exists, nobody said any of it, and none of it happened.
In what industry insiders are calling either the biggest rebranding exercise in live music history or an idea conceived far too late at night, US President Donald Trump has reportedly reached a completely fictional agreement with Live Nation CEO Michael Rapino to rename the company’s entire venue portfolio “Trump’s Nation”.
Under the imaginary deal, Live Nation venues around the world would gradually abandon their existing names in favour of new Trump-branded identities.
Sources close to absolutely nobody say the proposal began after Trump was informed that Live Nation operates hundreds of venues internationally.
“He apparently asked why they were called Live Nation when Trump’s Nation was available,” one entirely invented source claimed.
Within hours, a fictional branding team had reportedly been assembled.
From Live Nation to Trump’s Nation
Under the alleged plans, the company itself could eventually be renamed Trump’s Nation Entertainment, although lawyers are said to be investigating whether the apostrophe would create problems in international markets.
Existing venues could also receive subtle name changes.
The House of Blues would become the House of Huge Crowds.
The Fillmore could reportedly be renamed The Fillmore – A Trump’s Nation Venue, while amphitheatres across the US would carry a new slogan:
“Make Live Music Great Again.”
Ticketmaster is understood to have escaped the first round of rebranding, although one fictional executive suggested “Trump Tickets” remains under consideration.
The company’s controversial dynamic pricing technology could meanwhile be renamed “beautiful pricing”.
“It’s not expensive,” Trump supposedly explained in a completely fabricated statement. “It’s premium. Very premium. People are saying these are perhaps the greatest ticket prices ever created.”
Rapino tipped for government role
The entertainment industry is meanwhile buzzing with another entirely fictional rumour: Michael Rapino could become Trump’s next Secretary of Culture.
There is, of course, currently no US cabinet position called Secretary of Culture, but sources say this is unlikely to present a major obstacle.
“The job doesn’t exist yet,” said one fictional Washington insider. “But neither did the rumour until five minutes ago.”
Rapino would reportedly be responsible for concerts, festivals, ticketing, stadium naming rights and ensuring that all government press conferences have adequate production facilities.
His first task would allegedly be negotiating a national touring strategy under which every major artist would be required to play at least one Trump’s Nation venue.
Artists refusing to participate could be sent directly to the secondary ticketing market.
Oval Office to become 1,200-cap venue
Perhaps the most ambitious part of the imaginary agreement involves converting parts of the White House into live entertainment spaces.
The Oval Office would become an intimate 350-capacity club for developing artists, while the South Lawn would host major outdoor events.
Plans for a permanent festival are also rumoured.
Tentatively titled Trumpchella, the event would feature three stages: Main Stage, Bigger Main Stage and The Biggest Stage Anyone Has Ever Seen.
VIP packages would naturally play an important role.
The highest-priced package, “Presidential Platinum”, would reportedly include fast-track entry, premium seating, access to a private bar and a commemorative red baseball cap.
Service fees would not be included.
Industry reacts cautiously
Promoters and agents have reacted cautiously to the fictional developments.
One European agent said the rebrand could create confusion.
“If somebody tells me my artist is playing Trump’s Nation Paris, I’m going to need an address.”
Another industry executive was more positive.
“At least everyone will finally know who owns the venue.”
Live Nation itself has made no such announcement, while Rapino has not been appointed to any fictional cultural ministry.
Nevertheless, rumours continue to circulate that negotiations over the company’s next major acquisition are already underway.
According to sources familiar with absolutely nothing, Trump has only one condition:
“It has to be huge.”
Disclaimer: This article is satire and entirely fictional. Donald Trump, Michael Rapino and Live Nation have not announced any such agreement, venue rebranding or government appointment. All quotes, rumours, events and proposals in this article are invented for comedic purposes.